Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub, it smells like a swamp!

This weekend I took it upon myself to drain and clean my hot tub in preparation for a winter full of hot tubbing. I hadn’t cleaned it in some time. Truth be told, I had never cleaned it. So you can imagine my discomfort while trying to relax in what Seinfeld would call “A tepid pool of my own filth” (graphic, I know. But this blog deals with reality, people!). I haven’t gotten in my hot tub since February.

Saturday was the day, dawning sunny and cold. I bounded out of bed at 11 o'clock, rested and ready for the day. Here are ten easy steps for cleaning a hot tub, should you ever have the opportunity:
1. Drain the hot tub. For me, this involved siphoning through a sawed-off garden hose and getting a mouthful of water in the process. It was only later that I discovered – to my chagrin – that there is a drain pipe attached to the tub for that very purpose. Certainly a more sanitary option with a smaller chance of getting a hickey on one’s lips (awkward!).

2. Scoop out the water that doesn’t siphon out with a Tupperware® container (I’ve found that Tupperware® works best – probably the patented burping action).

3. Wipe up all the water that you cannot scoop with dry towels (this will take 37 dry towels).

4. Scrub the tub with a rag, baking soda, and elbow grease.

5. Rinse the tub out with fresh water (repeating steps 2 and 3 as necessary).

6. You should now have a clean, dry tub. If you choose, you can wax the fiberglass. At this point however, I was ready to move on to Step 7

7. Fill the tub with fresh cold water from your garden hose.

8. Wait for the tub to heat up (this will take 37 hours).

9. Sanitize to taste.

10. Enjoy!

So now I have a clean hot tub that smells like chlorine instead of swamp. When I left for work this morning it was up to 102! I plan on enjoying a good soak this evening. Hmmm. If this post wasn’t so long I would start discoursing on the ways the hot tubbing in Alaska is the best hot tubbing experience ever. Perhaps at a later date.